dragon300zx
Jul-21-2005, 08:01 AM
Detroit is Cool! No really, it is. I can’t believe that more people don’t pencil in my hometown as one of their favorite vacation destinations. We have waterfront property, a country across the river where drinking is legal at the age of 19, three casinos in a two-mile radius, and more crack than you'll see in paparazzi photos of Star Jones nude in Monaco.
Detriot also has the first "hip-hop" Mayor, a 32 year-old guy whose wife's Expedition is paid for with taxpayer dollars, and who throws orgies at the Mayor's residence. Now that is the kind of guy that I want leading me in the 21st century. Or at least the kind of guy I want calling me the next time he's going to have a "benefit" at the Manoogian (That would be the suave proper name for the mayor's house. Strippers just call it "Kwame's dope pad."). Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but what EXACTLY does my $1,000 donation get me. Really?! That brings new meaning to the term “pass the hat.” I can’t wait to see what a Dinner With Kwame event would offer! I don’t know what those Democrats see in that Obama guy from Illinois.
How can a town NOT be cool with a guy like that running the show? And it’s so much more than that. We’ve got festivals galore for you to immerse yourself in. Some people go to see fireworks on the 4th of July to celebrate and witness an exciting pyrotechnical extravaganza. But as you can guess, in Detroit, that just isn’t going to cut the mustard. We have a fully interactive fireworks ensemble, complete with an armed gunman shooting his 9mm and taking out anyone he can find. Just think, you can watch the fireworks, eat some Coneys, and then work them off by running to get out of the line of fire. It’s the best of everything all rolled into one!
We’ve got the Super Bowl here this year. What a great reason to visit! (Plus the MLB All-Star game too! How much fun can one city be?) Forget the fact that it’s colder than a witch’s tit here in Detroit in January. I mean, come on Mary Jane, this is football. The game is played indoors and the fact that you’ll have to dodge gunfire while running to the cab to take you to your five-star hotel in the suburbs is all part of the fun. Even better, find one of the dozens of flophouses downtown. It eliminates the cab from the equation, saves you some money, and allows the locals the opportunity to hone their target-practice skills. You’ll foster a sense of community-building, and your tourism dollars are really helping to grow the downtown area.
And Detroit hasn’t been over run by preppie suburban retailers either…nothing but the real in the D! In fact, we can proudly say that we are the last major city in the U.S. (if not the world) NOT to have a Gap or Banana Republic in the city limits. That’s right, if you want to look like everybody else, you gotta run to the burbs. Shit, you’re lucky to find a K-Mart still open since they restructured themselves out of bankruptcy and merged with Sears. Instead, you can get five pairs of bootleg panties for a dollar at Jennie Rae’s Hair Braiding and Outlet Store on 8 Mile. Talk about one-stop shopping, ladies–lingerie shopping and a weave all in one swoop. For the fellas, take a swing by Big Bird’s Pawn on Fenkell Ave. Just don’t ask where that diamond-encrusted Rolex came from and you will be swimming in the bling. You will be the envy of every man on the block. Holla at yo dogs! And who knows, you might even see Eminem there. How cool is that?
Detroit often gets a bad rap about violence and drugs. I think that is why people stay away from my wonderful hometown. Please don’t worry about that. You can just bring your gun with you. And if you can't legally buy a handgun or AR-15, there are at least a half-million of them floating around on the streets. Just think, the next time somebody cuts you off, forget about giving him/her the bird. A couple of shots out the window with your recently purchased semi-automatic weapon will change their mind about why your bumper sticker says I LOVE DETROIT!
So you’ve come, you’ve visited and are saying to yourself “God, this place is like heaven on earth.” I know. It’s tough to fathom sometimes. I often have people from Gary, IN and East St. Louis, IL comment to me that they thought they’ve have died and gone to heaven. Some even really have, but then the paramedics resuscitate them and they come to Detroit because they heard how great it was. That’s the best part. You can get land here. Dirt cheap. That’s because, and I know this is hard to believe, the city doesn’t even know who OWNS lots of the land. Most of the tax records are so outdated, they can’t even figure out who owns what, or if anybody owns it at all. How great is that!!! I mean, you can go down to City Hall to find out about property, and some desk jockey will have to go rummaging through 3 x 5 note cards with the information on them. Most of the time, they can’t even find the lot. Some houses don’t even exist, at least on city records. Talk about hitting the jackpot. No taxes for me!!! Makes Florida and Nevada look like financial cesspools. I’ll take four crackhouses for $1,000 Alex. Woo-Hoo!!!
So what are you waiting for? I can’t believe you haven’t left yet. What, do you want a hand-written invite from King Kwame himself? Come to Detroit. Just for the fun of it!
Detriot also has the first "hip-hop" Mayor, a 32 year-old guy whose wife's Expedition is paid for with taxpayer dollars, and who throws orgies at the Mayor's residence. Now that is the kind of guy that I want leading me in the 21st century. Or at least the kind of guy I want calling me the next time he's going to have a "benefit" at the Manoogian (That would be the suave proper name for the mayor's house. Strippers just call it "Kwame's dope pad."). Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but what EXACTLY does my $1,000 donation get me. Really?! That brings new meaning to the term “pass the hat.” I can’t wait to see what a Dinner With Kwame event would offer! I don’t know what those Democrats see in that Obama guy from Illinois.
How can a town NOT be cool with a guy like that running the show? And it’s so much more than that. We’ve got festivals galore for you to immerse yourself in. Some people go to see fireworks on the 4th of July to celebrate and witness an exciting pyrotechnical extravaganza. But as you can guess, in Detroit, that just isn’t going to cut the mustard. We have a fully interactive fireworks ensemble, complete with an armed gunman shooting his 9mm and taking out anyone he can find. Just think, you can watch the fireworks, eat some Coneys, and then work them off by running to get out of the line of fire. It’s the best of everything all rolled into one!
We’ve got the Super Bowl here this year. What a great reason to visit! (Plus the MLB All-Star game too! How much fun can one city be?) Forget the fact that it’s colder than a witch’s tit here in Detroit in January. I mean, come on Mary Jane, this is football. The game is played indoors and the fact that you’ll have to dodge gunfire while running to the cab to take you to your five-star hotel in the suburbs is all part of the fun. Even better, find one of the dozens of flophouses downtown. It eliminates the cab from the equation, saves you some money, and allows the locals the opportunity to hone their target-practice skills. You’ll foster a sense of community-building, and your tourism dollars are really helping to grow the downtown area.
And Detroit hasn’t been over run by preppie suburban retailers either…nothing but the real in the D! In fact, we can proudly say that we are the last major city in the U.S. (if not the world) NOT to have a Gap or Banana Republic in the city limits. That’s right, if you want to look like everybody else, you gotta run to the burbs. Shit, you’re lucky to find a K-Mart still open since they restructured themselves out of bankruptcy and merged with Sears. Instead, you can get five pairs of bootleg panties for a dollar at Jennie Rae’s Hair Braiding and Outlet Store on 8 Mile. Talk about one-stop shopping, ladies–lingerie shopping and a weave all in one swoop. For the fellas, take a swing by Big Bird’s Pawn on Fenkell Ave. Just don’t ask where that diamond-encrusted Rolex came from and you will be swimming in the bling. You will be the envy of every man on the block. Holla at yo dogs! And who knows, you might even see Eminem there. How cool is that?
Detroit often gets a bad rap about violence and drugs. I think that is why people stay away from my wonderful hometown. Please don’t worry about that. You can just bring your gun with you. And if you can't legally buy a handgun or AR-15, there are at least a half-million of them floating around on the streets. Just think, the next time somebody cuts you off, forget about giving him/her the bird. A couple of shots out the window with your recently purchased semi-automatic weapon will change their mind about why your bumper sticker says I LOVE DETROIT!
So you’ve come, you’ve visited and are saying to yourself “God, this place is like heaven on earth.” I know. It’s tough to fathom sometimes. I often have people from Gary, IN and East St. Louis, IL comment to me that they thought they’ve have died and gone to heaven. Some even really have, but then the paramedics resuscitate them and they come to Detroit because they heard how great it was. That’s the best part. You can get land here. Dirt cheap. That’s because, and I know this is hard to believe, the city doesn’t even know who OWNS lots of the land. Most of the tax records are so outdated, they can’t even figure out who owns what, or if anybody owns it at all. How great is that!!! I mean, you can go down to City Hall to find out about property, and some desk jockey will have to go rummaging through 3 x 5 note cards with the information on them. Most of the time, they can’t even find the lot. Some houses don’t even exist, at least on city records. Talk about hitting the jackpot. No taxes for me!!! Makes Florida and Nevada look like financial cesspools. I’ll take four crackhouses for $1,000 Alex. Woo-Hoo!!!
So what are you waiting for? I can’t believe you haven’t left yet. What, do you want a hand-written invite from King Kwame himself? Come to Detroit. Just for the fun of it!